Who goes in your love blender?

Most people taken singly contain only parts and pieces of an ideal mate, soul-mate fragments perhaps, but if we could just whizz them together, the combination might create … The One(s). So, who goes in your love blender?

MY LOVE BLENDER (A Work In Progress)
Neal Stephenson (I’d like two Neal Stephensons, but I think that’s pushing the bounds of credibility), Jaron Lanier, Jim Harrison, Jet Li and Olivier Martinez. And Pablo Neruda, but he’s dead. :(

I think I might need some more hot guys.

In the days of fax machines …

Remember a time when every office had a fax machine in constant use? A time before group e-mails? Well, I had TOTALLY FORGOTTEN about them until my mom unearthed a trove of circa-1996 faxes I had sent her from my long-ago office in New York City. Many of them appear to have been “group faxes,” heavily degraded from being serially passed through legions of crappy fax machines. Even though it’s a little early, here is the first one (complete with 1996-era statistics).

AN ENGINEER’S VIEW
QUESTION: IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

ANSWER: No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organism yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen. There are 2 billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Jewish children, that reduces the workload to 15 percent of the total: 378 million or so. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining gifts under the tree, eat the snacks, get back up the chimney, get back in the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million homes are distributed evenly (which we know to be false but for the sake of the calculations we will accept) we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 million miles, not counting bathroom stops.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is traveling at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, while the average reindeer runs at 15 miles per hour.

The sleigh payload adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point one) could pull ten times the usual amount, we cannot do the job with 8 or even 9. We need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,000 tons. Traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of reindeer and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500 times the force of gravity. A 300-pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

CONCLUSION: There was a Santa, but he’s dead now. Merry Christmas.

Creature of the Day

Phanaeus vindex
Possibly Phanaeus difformis?

He is a rainbow scarab (fancy name for dung beetle), also called a “true dung beetle” because they eat dung. (The Egyptian scarab beetle is a kind of dung beetle.) Some dung beetles also use dung as a “brooding chamber,” a.k.a. a nursery. You may not think the dung beetle is terribly interesting, but you are wrong! They have their own international group of ecologists & taxonomists devoted to them: ScarabNet!

I have posted my Phanaeus picture at BugGuide.net to try and get a firm identification (vindex or difformis). I have a good eye, but I am no entomologist. Film at 11!

Novena to St. Maximilian Mary Kolbe: DAY 4

O St. Maximilian Kolbe, faithful follower of Saint Francis, inflamed by the love of God you dedicated your life to the practice of virtue and to works of the apostolate. Look down with favor upon us who devoutly confide in your intercession. Having consecrated yourself to the Immaculate Virgin Mary, you inspired countless souls to a holy life and various forms of the apostolate in order to do good to others and to spread the kingdom of God. Obtain for us the grace by our lives and labors to draw many souls to Christ. In your close conformity to our Divine Savior you reached such an intense degree of love that you offered your life to save a fellow prisoner. Implore God that we, inflamed by such ardent charity, may through our living faith and in our apostolic works witness Christ to others, and thus merit to join you in the blessed vision of God. Amen.

DAY 4: MAXIMILIAN’S FAITH

After his ordination, Father Maximilian returned to Poland in 1919, worn by tuberculosis. Despite his poor health, he was assigned to the Franciscan friary at Kraków—where the climate is fatal to tuberculars—as university professor. Not only was his body exhausted, but at times his soul was harrowed by ridicule from some of his own Franciscan confreres.

He had hoped to interest all the friars at Kraków in his work. A good number of priests, brothers and student friars did respond to his call, but others shrugged their shoulders. They listened to him, then laughed among themselves, calling him a bore and a dreamer. One friar even found a nickname, which delighted the detractors for awhile: “Marmalade.” The young priest walked very slowly, like animated marmalade, to avoid any abrupt movement that could provoke hemorrhage.

Maximilian bore this mockery with patience and mildness. Faith alone allowed him to find in God and the Immaculata the affirmation and support that some of his confreres initially denied him.

MEDITATION: When all seems lost and one is stripped of everything, there remains one vital source of spiritual energy: faith. May Maximilian’s faith be ours, especially when adversity robs us of the affirmation and support we crave.

Follow with the Daily Novena Prayer.

Novena to St. Maximilian Mary Kolbe: DAY 3

O St. Maximilian Kolbe, faithful follower of Saint Francis, inflamed by the love of God you dedicated your life to the practice of virtue and to works of the apostolate. Look down with favor upon us who devoutly confide in your intercession. Having consecrated yourself to the Immaculate Virgin Mary, you inspired countless souls to a holy life and various forms of the apostolate in order to do good to others and to spread the kingdom of God. Obtain for us the grace by our lives and labors to draw many souls to Christ. In your close conformity to our Divine Savior you reached such an intense degree of love that you offered your life to save a fellow prisoner. Implore God that we, inflamed by such ardent charity, may through our living faith and in our apostolic works witness Christ to others, and thus merit to join you in the blessed vision of God. Amen.

DAY 3: MAXIMILIAN’S CONSECRATION TO MARY

It was in Rome that Friar Maximilian learned the true meaning of his call to fight for Mary. Exposed to the rabid anti-Christian forces that burgeoned in Europe, he saw the need for a new era of evangelization that would bring all peoples back to God.

Suddenly during prayer one morning, Friar Maximilian was enlightened to understand the critical importance of the role God had given Mary in this work. Meditating on the Miraculous Medal conversion story of Alphonse Ratisbonne, a young 19th century Jewish agnostic, Friar Maximilian was illuminated to perceive Mary’s role as the Holy Spirit’s indispensable partner and instrument in evangelizing work of conversion and growth in holiness. He saw that this work was a spiritual war with Satan, and that Mary needed consecrated souls to serve as her knights in this battle.

Maximilian lost little time putting this inspiration into action. On October 16, 1917, he and six fellow Franciscans established the Militia of the Immaculata (MI) movement. Its goal was as simple and vast as the Church’s mission: the interior transformation of all souls in Christ through the Immaculata. To achieve this goal, Friar Maximilian proposed a practical spirituality of “Total Consecration to Mary.” He and all MIs would make a free and total offering of themselves to Our Lady, so that they might become instruments in her work for Christ.

MEDITATION: True consecration to Mary is a Marian way of living a life of close union with Christ through the Holy Spirit. May we find in Maximilian’s spirituality of Marian consecration a powerful means for living Christ’s gospel and spreading it to others.

Follow with the Daily Novena Prayer.

Novena to St. Maximilian Mary Kolbe: Day 2

O St. Maximilian Kolbe, faithful follower of Saint Francis, inflamed by the love of God you dedicated your life to the practice of virtue and to works of the apostolate. Look down with favor upon us who devoutly confide in your intercession. Having consecrated yourself to the Immaculate Virgin Mary, you inspired countless souls to a holy life and various forms of the apostolate in order to do good to others and to spread the kingdom of God. Obtain for us the grace by our lives and labors to draw many souls to Christ. In your close conformity to our Divine Savior you reached such an intense degree of love that you offered your life to save a fellow prisoner. Implore God that we, inflamed by such ardent charity, may through our living faith and in our apostolic works witness Christ to others, and thus merit to join you in the blessed vision of God. Amen.

DAY 2: MAXIMILIAN DISCERNS GOD’S WILL

When Raymond Kolbe was a seminary student at Lwow, Poland, he bowed his face to the floor during Mass one day and promised the most holy Virgin that he would fight for her. It was a surprising thing to do, especially since he had already chosen to be a Franciscan priest.

Not knowing how he was to fulfill his promise, he began to picture to himself a struggle with material weapons. The more he thought about it the more he felt attracted to a military career, fighting for the freedom of his homeland under the banner of Our Lady of Czestochowa. Finally, he decided he had made a mistake: he would give up the idea of studying for the priesthood. He was on his way to inform the Minister Provincial of his decision when he was called to the parlor. His mother had just arrived for a visit.

What Maria Kolbe told her son we do not know, but shortly afterward Raymond was invested in the Conventual Franciscan habit and took the name Maximilian Maria. On September 5, 1911, he made his first vows. The following year, another crisis arose, and again Maximilian Kolbe’s destiny hung in the balance. His superiors had decided to send him to Rome for philosophical and theological studies, but Friar Maximilian requested that his name be stricken from the list.

That night he reconsidered. Had he not placed his own will in the way of God’s will as expressed by his superiors? Was it not better to obey? The following morning he told his Provincial that he was prepared to go to Rome.

MEDITATION: Discernment of the direction that God wishes our lives to take requires an absolute truthfulness with oneself and God. May Maximilian’s inner honesty be ours as we strive continually to do God’s will.

Follow with the Daily Novena Prayer.

Novena to St. Maximilian Mary Kolbe: Day 1

It’s novena time again! A novena is a 9-day devotional prayer. If I had checked my calendar more assiduously I would have begun this novena yesterday, so that the 9th day of prayer would fall on Maximilian Kolbe’s holy day. So to get on track, I have to make a choice. End up one day late, or do two days now. So I’m going to do two days now. Here is Day 1:

Father Maximilian Mary Kolbe was arrested by the Gestapo in February of 1941 and sent to Pawiak prison; that May he was transferred to Auschwitz. In July a man from Kolbe’s barracks escaped. Ten men were randomly chosen to be starved to death in order to put an end to further escape attempts. Fr. Kolbe volunteered to take the place of a stranger, a husband and father who cried out in despair, “What will become of my wife and children?” After three weeks, during which he led the starving men in song and prayer, he and three others remained alive. The Nazis decided it was taking too long and executed him by lethal injection. He was canonized in 1982 by Pope John Paul II in the presence of Franciszek Gajowniczek, the man whose life he had saved.

O St. Maximilian Kolbe, faithful follower of Saint Francis, inflamed by the love of God you dedicated your life to the practice of virtue and to works of the apostolate. Look down with favor upon us who devoutly confide in your intercession. Having consecrated yourself to the Immaculate Virgin Mary, you inspired countless souls to a holy life and various forms of the apostolate in order to do good to others and to spread the kingdom of God. Obtain for us the grace by our lives and labors to draw many souls to Christ. In your close conformity to our Divine Savior you reached such an intense degree of love that you offered your life to save a fellow prisoner. Implore God that we, inflamed by such ardent charity, may through our living faith and in our apostolic works witness Christ to others, and thus merit to join you in the blessed vision of God. Amen.

DAY 1: MAXIMILIAN’S CALL TO HOLINESS

Raymond Kolbe was born of poor parents in Poland on January 7, 1894. Raymond came to love the Blessed Virgin quite early in life. This devotion did not prevent him from getting into trouble. His lively nature tried the patience of his mother. Once she remarked in exasperation, “Raymond, what is going to become of you?”

After this incident, there was a noticeable change in his behavior. His mother became worried. Upon questioning him, she found Raymond at first reluctant to tell her his “secret.” Finally he told her how much her reproach had troubled him. He had prayed to Mary, and asked her the same question, “Mother of God, what will become of me?”

She took compassion on the miserable boy and appeared to him holding in her hands two crowns, one white, the other red. She asked Raymond which one he would choose; the white signified purity, the red martyrdom.

“I choose both,” he answered.

MEDITATION: Every genuine conversion experience, be it that of a mischievous child or that of a hardened adult, involves the individual’s humble recognition of his own weaknesses and capacity for sin. May Maximilian’s humility be ours in the pursuit of Christian holiness through ongoing conversion.

Follow with the Daily Novena Prayer.